A space for my heart...

There is an Amy Grant song about how if walls could speak, how they would have tales to tell of laughter and tears. I thought of that song today... and I couldn't stop thinking about it! And how behind the walls of everyones homes, my neighbors, my friends, my family, there are things that we don't speak of there. Wonderful things, that are too private to share.... that really we shouldn't share, as they would cheapen the experience! But also sad, terrible, or heavy stressful things that we are afraid to share... and it's those that I wonder about? Is it that we don't want to burden people? Or is it that we are afraid that our issue, our circumstance would change the persons view of us? I know why, I don't really need an explaination, there are many things that I only share with a select few. And even then some of those things are only discussed when I feel I must discuss it, when I can no longer hold it in! But I just kept thinking today about how really we ...

I can't believe how many days it's been since I wrote last.... what a week, being sick and then training my butt off to be a lifeguard, it was hard to check in with my heart at all! But the thing that is on my heart the most today is the new found confidence I feel! This week was tough, I had to overcome a lot of self doubt while training with 17 other people in my lifeguarding class, 17, 15-20 year olds I should mention. I really had to reach down deep and remind myself that although I am older than they are and not in great shape, I have the ability to be a great lifeguard, I have the maturity, empathy and understanding to handle working with families and I am very confident in my swimming skills and in my ability to handle myself and my surroundings in an emergency. But the first day all that went out the window and all I could think was, "what am I doing here? I'm not only out of shape... I'm too old for this?" I really had to talk myself into getting int...

So today our priest told us we had homework. He said he wanted us to go home and pray before we went to bed for at the very least five minutes about the ways in which our hearts were good. The ways that God saw our hearts to be good. He talked about how the first thing we do when we wake up in the morning and look in the mirror is start to defeat ourselves or tear ourselves down. We look at the things that are wrong with our outside and focus on the things that people will see our clothes, hair, make up etc. and we put our energy into making those things look good or better! How much energy do we spend on our hearts!? He went on to talk about more.. but for the life of me I can't remember anything else, I was stuck on how well do I take care of my heart? And do I really realize the good in it!? I think I do a great job at seeing the good in other peoples hearts. And I don't mean that in a arrogant way. I just feel like I see past everything else, most of the time, and look at...

As I sat down to write tonight I thought about timing.... God's timing is just amazing! I was thinking about my blog yesterday and how it sounded a bit juvenile because ultimately what I was writing about was rejection. And it got me thinking today about how many times in my life I have struggled with that very issue. Whether it be rejection by the boy in High School who you REALLY like but he just wants to be friends, or the friends in college who you feel like you but just don't get you... or the boss who seems fine with your quitting and that feeling you get inside, like "if they just knew me, they would understand, love me, want me to stay..." And how often do we want that in our lives? All the time, we want people to "get" us, and love us anyway. I thought about how years ago, a counselor I had after I came home from Ireland gave me this great book called The Search for Significance and it was about the many ways we, as humans, desire to feel significan...

So today when I was thinking about/praying about what I should write about something from like 14 years ago, back when I came back to God the first time, popped into my head, I decided to go with it! So I went on this retreat and they had this cheesy, kinda immature skit, but it stuck in my head, and I mean really stuck! The point did anyway, it was about businesses and how we busy our lives so we don't have to actually think about what is hurting us or what is weighing us down. In other words so we can avoid what God is doing or saying to us! Because it hurts to grow. Anyway the skit was about a little girl who was growing up in a broken home, her parents fought all the time and it was really breaking her heart. So rather than dealing with it she shut it out, the noise of the fighting, the hurt, the pain etc. And she built a safe little wall around her heart so no one could hurt her. She had a piece of fruit or something to symbolize her heart, and she kept putting more and mor...

So... I have been feeling very much like I need to be writing! I've been feeling it for years and just been ignoring it, but today I am going for it! So the Lord, yes, I went there right away, the Lord, has been pressing on my heart a lot lately! There has been something weighing me down for awhile now. It's part of the Our Father. It's the part that says , "..forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who tresspass against us..." Lately when I pray the Our Father it's like that part is yelled out loud in my heart... so I've been asking myself, how well do I forgive? Easily? The answer to that is NO! I don't forgive well at all. Whether it's the annoying driver who cuts me off or the government who we feel is stealing our well earned money, or that friend from highschool who wants to be friends on facebook and I ignore them because of something in the past... I see now there are tons of ways that I am not forgiving. I am really struggling wit...