A space for my heart...

I haven't written in awhile! Probably because when I find it hard to go into what's going on in my heart, I just don't go there! And since my last entry was about waking up to my heart, and I've been doing nothing but avoiding it since, I avoided writing as well! One of the reasons I was inspired to do a blog was reading my friend Charlie's who blogged about his daughters very short, precious life. I was so inspired by his willingness to be open about something so painful and personal. And I was touched by his words all the time! I always felt I could relate even though nothing in my life was as difficult as what he was going through. However I realized over the course of the year that I read his blogs, that I was going through something quite difficult but that I mostly just chose to ignore... that being infertility. I didn't want to give it that name for a long, long time. I just kept saying things like, "we're trying but nothing is happening yet&quo

You know how when you first wake up in the morning (at least for us non morning people) you feel groggy and almost out of place, like there is a fog around you? And it takes a few minutes to convince yourself that you can and will get up? You spend a minute or two just kinda looking around, stretching, maybe thinking about your day, or your dreams last night? You almost moan and groan yourself awake? That's how waking up to my heart is some days. I am reading this amazing book called Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. It's all about how we busy ourselves and grow more and more disconnected from our hearts, which is our connection to God and to others. So since I started reading it, and at the suggestion of my awesome counselor... I have been dedicating an hour to my heart everyday the past few days. And it's tough. I have to really push through the fog, and talk myself into connecting with myself. I have to almost moan and groan my heart awake. It's so easy to thi

I see the most amazing counselor! (Yes I have issues, and I am not trying to hide that! :) )Anyway, today, like many days, she said something that really got me thinking. She was praying for me, at the end of the session and in her prayer she thanked God for my discontentment. I was floored by that for some reason. It's not like I haven't thought about it before, but I thought about it in a new way today. We are ALL SO discontent with our lives, it's the reason America is in so much trouble... because we've spent so much time and money and effort into finding things, getting bigger houses, better cars, a new different color iPod, etc etc. We just always feel a bit discontent. It's not so much that we are trying to keep up with the Joneses, although some people are... it's that we don't feel settled. We always feel we could have more or be more or that just something isn't right! It isn't actually money we desire more of or cuter clothes or bigger

So I went to Hawaii last week with my sisters and despite being sick decided that it would be a good idea to body surf with Janet. And actually it was a good idea, in the sense that we had a total blast! We both got carried in by this one wave and came crashing into the shore, sputtering and in a tangled mess of hair and sand we laughed and laughed about our state and just dove in for more. I remember feeling a bit out of control as the wave carried me to the shore, almost kinda nervous about when the next breath would come and so forth, but not really afraid, just out of control. Today, back home, still trying to recover from my sinus infection or whatever, I got to thinking about how I would like to come up for air from this sickness! I was thinking about how every day that I feel pretty good, I do too much and then the next day, I am sick again. I always push too hard on the good days. And it reminded me of the wave, how even though we were slammed into the sand and a total mess

There is an Amy Grant song about how if walls could speak, how they would have tales to tell of laughter and tears. I thought of that song today... and I couldn't stop thinking about it! And how behind the walls of everyones homes, my neighbors, my friends, my family, there are things that we don't speak of there. Wonderful things, that are too private to share.... that really we shouldn't share, as they would cheapen the experience! But also sad, terrible, or heavy stressful things that we are afraid to share... and it's those that I wonder about? Is it that we don't want to burden people? Or is it that we are afraid that our issue, our circumstance would change the persons view of us? I know why, I don't really need an explaination, there are many things that I only share with a select few. And even then some of those things are only discussed when I feel I must discuss it, when I can no longer hold it in! But I just kept thinking today about how really we

I can't believe how many days it's been since I wrote last.... what a week, being sick and then training my butt off to be a lifeguard, it was hard to check in with my heart at all! But the thing that is on my heart the most today is the new found confidence I feel! This week was tough, I had to overcome a lot of self doubt while training with 17 other people in my lifeguarding class, 17, 15-20 year olds I should mention. I really had to reach down deep and remind myself that although I am older than they are and not in great shape, I have the ability to be a great lifeguard, I have the maturity, empathy and understanding to handle working with families and I am very confident in my swimming skills and in my ability to handle myself and my surroundings in an emergency. But the first day all that went out the window and all I could think was, "what am I doing here? I'm not only out of shape... I'm too old for this?" I really had to talk myself into getting int

So today our priest told us we had homework. He said he wanted us to go home and pray before we went to bed for at the very least five minutes about the ways in which our hearts were good. The ways that God saw our hearts to be good. He talked about how the first thing we do when we wake up in the morning and look in the mirror is start to defeat ourselves or tear ourselves down. We look at the things that are wrong with our outside and focus on the things that people will see our clothes, hair, make up etc. and we put our energy into making those things look good or better! How much energy do we spend on our hearts!? He went on to talk about more.. but for the life of me I can't remember anything else, I was stuck on how well do I take care of my heart? And do I really realize the good in it!? I think I do a great job at seeing the good in other peoples hearts. And I don't mean that in a arrogant way. I just feel like I see past everything else, most of the time, and look at

As I sat down to write tonight I thought about timing.... God's timing is just amazing! I was thinking about my blog yesterday and how it sounded a bit juvenile because ultimately what I was writing about was rejection. And it got me thinking today about how many times in my life I have struggled with that very issue. Whether it be rejection by the boy in High School who you REALLY like but he just wants to be friends, or the friends in college who you feel like you but just don't get you... or the boss who seems fine with your quitting and that feeling you get inside, like "if they just knew me, they would understand, love me, want me to stay..." And how often do we want that in our lives? All the time, we want people to "get" us, and love us anyway. I thought about how years ago, a counselor I had after I came home from Ireland gave me this great book called The Search for Significance and it was about the many ways we, as humans, desire to feel significan

So today when I was thinking about/praying about what I should write about something from like 14 years ago, back when I came back to God the first time, popped into my head, I decided to go with it! So I went on this retreat and they had this cheesy, kinda immature skit, but it stuck in my head, and I mean really stuck! The point did anyway, it was about businesses and how we busy our lives so we don't have to actually think about what is hurting us or what is weighing us down. In other words so we can avoid what God is doing or saying to us! Because it hurts to grow. Anyway the skit was about a little girl who was growing up in a broken home, her parents fought all the time and it was really breaking her heart. So rather than dealing with it she shut it out, the noise of the fighting, the hurt, the pain etc. And she built a safe little wall around her heart so no one could hurt her. She had a piece of fruit or something to symbolize her heart, and she kept putting more and mor

So... I have been feeling very much like I need to be writing! I've been feeling it for years and just been ignoring it, but today I am going for it! So the Lord, yes, I went there right away, the Lord, has been pressing on my heart a lot lately! There has been something weighing me down for awhile now. It's part of the Our Father. It's the part that says , "..forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who tresspass against us..." Lately when I pray the Our Father it's like that part is yelled out loud in my heart... so I've been asking myself, how well do I forgive? Easily? The answer to that is NO! I don't forgive well at all. Whether it's the annoying driver who cuts me off or the government who we feel is stealing our well earned money, or that friend from highschool who wants to be friends on facebook and I ignore them because of something in the past... I see now there are tons of ways that I am not forgiving. I am really struggling wit