Almost a year

Almost a year to the day since I wrote last... wow! Can you say avoidance!? I wish I could say I've been writing in my journal or elsewhere, but I haven't! I have hardly allowed myself even for a second to look deep into my heart since then. With a few exceptions. One being while I am in counseling. It's like the one place I open up. But only for an hour every other week and then I am back to hiding. Yesterday though I went to an adoption seminar and it has my head and heart swirling so much that I can't keep from writing. I don't know any other way to free myself to come out! I have told myself many times over the past year that the burden I am carrying really isn't that heavy and to just get over it. I have told myself that my whining and complaining only keeps me from God and to shut up. But all that has made me do is go dead a little bit inside. I am sure those who know me well and love me have seen it. But I've not allowed them past the wall I am building to keep from feeling. I know that I am not alone in what I am going through, but because I feel most people don't get it I just decide to hide. It's easier that way.
The conflict inside of me seems to be growing. I feel unworthy of the child I do have and undeserving of any more and impatient that the process is not going the way I want it to. So I just continue to tell myself that I obviously shouldn't have any more kids or I would have one by now. Then I tell myself to stop having a pity party and that I am deserving and it will happen. But I don't move. I just sit. I just ride the roller coaster I have built and drive myself (and I'm sure Michael and Jonah) a little insane. There are so many questions about what to do. I just don't know if I have what it takes to parent more children. But I also feel as though our family is not totally complete. I listen to those with more kids and how overwhelmed they feel and since I am already so overwhelmed I think... I won't be able to handle that. But then the desire comes back again. Is adoption the choice for us?

One of the things that ALWAYS pops back into my mind is when Michael and I were dating we both said we wanted one child of our own and then we would adopt because there are so many children out there waiting. But then we had one child of our own and we got stuck. And there we remain. What if we were called to that and we are just ignoring it? I imagine our house full of laughter and screaming... part of me wants to run from that, but the other part wonders why the desire is there? And if we adopt ... how? Domestic? Foster to adopt? Infant? An older child? International? Open? Closed? There are so many pros and cons to each. I just feel lost! And I am so tired of going dead inside to keep from feeling. Am I a good enough mom to parent more children? Am I selfless enough? How will it affect Jonah who I love so much it hurts? Will it help my marriage or hurt it? These are the questions that swirl around and no answer finds it's way back to me. I know I am not alone in this journey and that many have gone before me, but I struggle to reach out.

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