Ok with my mess

 I have a story, like we all do. My life has involved betrayal, trauma, unexpected joys and surprises, death and life all swirled together.  One day maybe I’ll share more of my story here. But today is not that day.  Today I just felt the need to be transparent about the highs and lows of life.  I would say for the most part, despite having healing to do from my past, I am a fairly happy person, who can find the silver lining in almost any thing. But yesterday, yesterday was a bad day. It’s hard to say what set me off.... was it lack of sleep, or a disobedient child or just too many burdens being piled on me at once? I don’t know... but full disclosure I found myself in the fetal position in my room unable to stop crying.  The weight of the day, the week, the year and all the years pressing on my heart until it just had to come out.  As I lay crying I just allowed myself to feel all the feels from 46 years. Like literally I was just a mess. Michael finally came in to see what was going on having heard me from downstairs. He prayed with and over me and eventually I got out of bed. There was other drama going on in our day yesterday and we handled that together and with humor, the rest of the day.  And at the end of the day I couldn’t even really remember why I had been so upset and seemingly hopeless. I am usually the one who carries all the hope in our house. And I think part of my deal yesterday was that burden of being the hope carrier just got too heavy.  So I put it down and had a day off.  But today as the day started I was reminding myself that while I need to carry hope. I need to carry it for me, and from the Lord. But not for anyone else and not from anywhere else. It’s when I try to do that that I feel like a failure.  And maybe that’s part of what’s going on in so much of the world right now, we are trying to bring hope, but it’s OUR hope and not Jesus’. And maybe we’re playing savior in peoples lives without even realizing it. We can borrow one another’s hope for sure. But Michael cannot be sustained by my hope any more than I can be sustained by his. I hope I’m making sense.  I just had the realization (again) that I need to go to the source and never try to be anyone’s source again.  So today I will step back into my hope, which is Jesus, who has made beautiful things out of so many of my messes. And I will be ok that yesterday I wasn’t ok. I won’t try to analyze any more or stay stuck there. But you know what? I feel a lot lighter today having cried it out again.  Here I am bringing up that grief thing again.... but wow... if we could all just have a good cry maybe life wouldn’t feel so hard.  I’m not even going to try to wrap this up in a pretty bow, because that’s not real Christianity or real life. I’m just going to say, give yourself permission to be ok that you’re not always ok.  This is a crazy world we’re all living in and trying to do it with a smile on our face every minute is exhausting. 

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