quiet
I haven't written in awhile! Probably because when I find it hard to go into what's going on in my heart, I just don't go there! And since my last entry was about waking up to my heart, and I've been doing nothing but avoiding it since, I avoided writing as well!
One of the reasons I was inspired to do a blog was reading my friend Charlie's who blogged about his daughters very short, precious life. I was so inspired by his willingness to be open about something so painful and personal. And I was touched by his words all the time! I always felt I could relate even though nothing in my life was as difficult as what he was going through. However I realized over the course of the year that I read his blogs, that I was going through something quite difficult but that I mostly just chose to ignore... that being infertility. I didn't want to give it that name for a long, long time. I just kept saying things like, "we're trying but nothing is happening yet", or "it's not God's timing right now!" But the reality is... we're infertile and it SUCKS! It's been a roller coaster of major highs with hope and encouragement and excitement to extreme lows of discouragement, pain, confusion, loss, etc. And the past couple weeks has been one of those times where I just don't know what to say or do with how I feel about it! I feel like no one quite gets it... I feel like people with multiple kids are a bit insensitive sometimes, complaining about how annoying their kids are, I feel like I am pushing for something God doesn't want us to have right now... I feel like I can barely parent the one kid I do have! I feel like I am selfish because I am blessed to have one, and what about all those who can't have any! I just go around and around in my head and always come back to.... it's there, it's in my heart... deep in there, that I really would like more children.... so why can't we!? We started hormone shots a couple months ago, which I am excited about because it brings hope again, and it was an answer to a question we had for a long time. However, it also brings the thoughts racing back to my mind which I had either grown accustomed to ignoring or stopped allowing myself to have about the whys and the what ifs and all that! So it also brings back some of the pain I hadn't experienced in awhile and it's tough! I try to stay positive... especially when people ask, I don't want to make others uncomfortable with my issues... but can I just say, it's really hard to stay positive! REALLY HARD! And I don't know what God's plan is, or if these shots will work or if we would even be good parents to more kids... I don't know a lot of things. But I know that my heart feels called to more children and feels broken at times over not being able to do that. And that is where my heart is right now...
One of the reasons I was inspired to do a blog was reading my friend Charlie's who blogged about his daughters very short, precious life. I was so inspired by his willingness to be open about something so painful and personal. And I was touched by his words all the time! I always felt I could relate even though nothing in my life was as difficult as what he was going through. However I realized over the course of the year that I read his blogs, that I was going through something quite difficult but that I mostly just chose to ignore... that being infertility. I didn't want to give it that name for a long, long time. I just kept saying things like, "we're trying but nothing is happening yet", or "it's not God's timing right now!" But the reality is... we're infertile and it SUCKS! It's been a roller coaster of major highs with hope and encouragement and excitement to extreme lows of discouragement, pain, confusion, loss, etc. And the past couple weeks has been one of those times where I just don't know what to say or do with how I feel about it! I feel like no one quite gets it... I feel like people with multiple kids are a bit insensitive sometimes, complaining about how annoying their kids are, I feel like I am pushing for something God doesn't want us to have right now... I feel like I can barely parent the one kid I do have! I feel like I am selfish because I am blessed to have one, and what about all those who can't have any! I just go around and around in my head and always come back to.... it's there, it's in my heart... deep in there, that I really would like more children.... so why can't we!? We started hormone shots a couple months ago, which I am excited about because it brings hope again, and it was an answer to a question we had for a long time. However, it also brings the thoughts racing back to my mind which I had either grown accustomed to ignoring or stopped allowing myself to have about the whys and the what ifs and all that! So it also brings back some of the pain I hadn't experienced in awhile and it's tough! I try to stay positive... especially when people ask, I don't want to make others uncomfortable with my issues... but can I just say, it's really hard to stay positive! REALLY HARD! And I don't know what God's plan is, or if these shots will work or if we would even be good parents to more kids... I don't know a lot of things. But I know that my heart feels called to more children and feels broken at times over not being able to do that. And that is where my heart is right now...
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