A space for my heart...

After writing yesterday something changed. It was like my avoidance of writing also was making me stay in the fear I have been living in. When I went back and read my post I realized it was almost all fear based. What if this ... what if that... ??? And while I know there are a lot of real things to fear out there, if I live through fear, I will never be able to live the kind of life I want to have. I am always telling my son to "push through the fear, and not be afraid of getting hurt" and I haven't been taking that advice in my life. Anyway after I wrote this yesterday I talked to a couple of friends, one in particular who is going through the adoption process and my whole attitude changed. Is it terrifying? Yes. But is there anything in life worth having that isn't a little scary!? But the real change in m y feeling came when I talked to Michael, who I think I had been waiting on for awhile. And he just basically said, "we've got to do this!" So toda...

Almost a year to the day since I wrote last... wow! Can you say avoidance!? I wish I could say I've been writing in my journal or elsewhere, but I haven't! I have hardly allowed myself even for a second to look deep into my heart since then. With a few exceptions. One being while I am in counseling. It's like the one place I open up. But only for an hour every other week and then I am back to hiding. Yesterday though I went to an adoption seminar and it has my head and heart swirling so much that I can't keep from writing. I don't know any other way to free myself to come out! I have told myself many times over the past year that the burden I am carrying really isn't that heavy and to just get over it. I have told myself that my whining and complaining only keeps me from God and to shut up. But all that has made me do is go dead a little bit inside. I am sure those who know me well and love me have seen it. But I've not allowed them past the wall I am build...